If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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