there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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