You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She even gives head with a lisp.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
