i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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