I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
