there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
