my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
