my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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