so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
