he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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