just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
