I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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