Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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