you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
