Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
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I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
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