Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
