My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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