Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
