At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
