i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
