Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
