I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Is it penis luge time yet?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
