He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
