I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
