Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
