It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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