I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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