the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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