God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
