Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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