so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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