just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
my liver is dry heaving
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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