I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
