There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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