last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
