I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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