Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
