everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
you had me at cake vodka
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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