I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
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we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
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Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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