well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
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Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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