sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
