He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
