I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
