Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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