i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
