The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
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Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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