finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
