It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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