My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
