I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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