I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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