1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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