I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
