I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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