Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
