When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
