i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also, beer. Big fan.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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