did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
